Happy Birthday, Linn

Today would have been Linn's 27th birthday. I have avoided talking very much about Linn's death or my long period of grief and depression that followed on this blog because a. it's very personal and need not be broadcast to the world wide web, b. it is difficult for me even now- after almost a year and a half of time and a year of therapy later- to return my thoughts to that troubling place, and c. this blog has always been what I would like to think of as an expression of the most positive and beneficial aspects of myself; the things I am proud of, want to share, and that make me feel happy and fulfilled.


So I skipped over the whole thing, pretty much, and when I returned to blogging (briefly and prematurely) I tried to just force myself into the mindset and voice I had before Linn's death. My life was basically still in shambles at that point so that didn't work, and when I finally returned to this blog in a healthy state last month I only wanted to move forward, not look back on the trauma of the past year and a half.

Linn was and is, however, a permanent and extremely important influence on my life. The time that I knew him changed me. The time that we dated changed me. His death obviously changed me, and the grief, destruction, and ultimate healing that followed has changed me. There is rarely if ever a single day that I do not think of him. I am often reminded by the world around me of him, our conversations, our memories, our love story, and I wonder and reflect upon what could have been- especially on days like today. At 27, who would Linn have been? Would we still be together? Would he be in San Diego by now, running a pizza shop with Clint like he had planned and was so excited about? Would I be finishing school this spring instead of next December with plans of joining him after graduation? The questions that can never be answered have not disappeared from my mind, but they no longer agonize and torment me. Now they are a source of simple wonderment, cherished quiet moments of reflection, and reassuring reminders of Linn's presence in my heart.

I have written at length about Linn in my personal journals- everything from when I first met him as he swept the dining room of Mama Eddas where I was filling out an application to years later, after his death, when I wrote him countless letters and stream of consciousness ramblings that I could only hope would somehow be received. Just yesterday I stumbled upon a forgotten journal entry that I wrote after we had been dating for several months and the love-struck, giddy way in which I gushed about him filled my heart with joy and nostalgia. Here's a passage:

"I just got back from my weekend of hometown friends and Linn. It was so wonderful and amazing, I had such a great time and it was so, so good to be with my boy for a while. Every time i think about him or look at him i smile, it makes me giddy. I can't believe how much I've fallen for him. I love him so much. leaving today was heartbreaking, even though I know I'll see him again soon... I wish there was an easy way for us to just be together but there just isn't right now. Someday, I hope. So much. He is the sweetest, kindest, most gentlemanly guy I have ever dated and he's also incredibly attractive and funny. I want to be his."

It makes me happy to remember how wonderful and full of love and happiness he made my life when we were together. There have been many times when Linn's real presence in my life- the years of friendship, the secret crush, the brief romance- have been clouded over by the weight of the despair and tragedy that followed. It is unfair to Linn's memory and to myself to allow it to be that way and I am overjoyed to have the words that I wrote in times of blissful adoration to pull me back to the real memories, the memories that matter.

Today, like every day, I will think about Linn, smile at the thought of his face and his laugh, and ponder what we might have done if he'd been here. I feel blessed to even have these thoughts, and I know that I have had and will have a better of life because he was and is a part of it.

Happy Birthday, Linn. The amount of compassion in your heart and the immense amount of love, kindness, and sincerity you showed is obvious through the number of people that to this day express their gratitude to have known you. Someday we will all see your smile again <3 br="">
And finally, this is the poem I wrote a few days after Linn's death which I read at his funeral.

When I remember you,
I'd like it to feel
The way it did that night-
Shy eyes glinting starlight,
A shiver that has nothing to do
With the cool summer night.
When I remember you,
I'd like to go back to those days-
The long lazy sunlit haze,
Hours and hours of nothing to do
And everything to say
And nothing but happiness
In your sweet face.
When I remember you,
I'd like to think of the words-
Often said, always heard,
A promise not broken,
but simply deferred:
"One day we'll be together.
One day,
We'll fly like the birds."

<3>

the past week

has been a busy, stressful, but enjoyable one. My birthday with my parents was very nice. we went out to one of my favorite restaurants in Prescott- a little semi-hidden italian place called Papa's. very delicious. My cake was a good ol' baskin robbins ice cream cake with chocolate cake and mint chocolate chip ice cream. I got some wonderful cards from a few relatives and some super awesome gifts from my parents. First, a set of ten pound dumbells so that I can do my weights workouts at home! yay :) second, a lovely kitchenaid food processor- so that I no longer have to use the crappy 10 dollar one I got at goodwill that sprays everything in a ten foot radius every time you try to use it! and lastly, my very own, very beautiful, gleaming white kitchenaid stand mixer. If you guys read much P-Dub, you'll know that once every month or so she gives away two or three of these gorgeous things cause she loves 'em so much. I have been pining away for one ever since I first spotted them on her site, but of course she's got about 329486320497 million followers so it's just about impossible to be one of the lucky winners. I was SO excited when I got one for my birthday! It's like a god among electric mixers. Really.

 so... enough nerding out on kitchen appliances. The day after my birthday was my dad's birthday (crazy, yes). My dad and I went out and checked out some art galleries during the day and I baked him his fave bday cake- devils food with nutmeg frosting. That evening my parents and I went to the only indian restaurant in town which also happens to be my favorite in the world. It was super yummy and I ate way too much but I told myself it was ok because it was a vegan buffet after all ;)

the next few days I spent seriously deep cleaning my room. I had a whole bunch of stuff piled up in my dressing room that I wanted to get rid of, as well as an apartment's-worth of stuff in my car that needed to be unpacked. I now have about 5 laundry baskets full of clothes, books, and little odds and ends that I'm hoping to cart to a garage sale but for now have been stuck in my sister's room. I finally got everything out of my car yesterday so now I'm officially settled in for summer... or at least the 3 weeks I have left of it here in prescott.

Those next few weeks will be full of cooking. lots and lots of cooking. I've got 11 very complex meals to finish testing- each of which has a vegan/vegetarian version and a meat version. It's a lot of work and I'm a little nervous but I'm sure everything will come together beautifully.

other than that, I've spent a bit of time with friends around town and have basically just been getting used to being back in prescott sans stewart, which of course is really weird. I'm going to try really hard to post more regularly in the next few weeks between episodes of grey's and cooking experiments. I haven't been a very up-to-date blogger recently... I haven't even posted my easter pictures yet >.< ah, well. I love you all, bear with me as I get everything up and running again!

love,
em

10 Things I've Learned in My Teens P.2

Okay, all set for part two of this list? Before I get started let's recap the first five things:
1. don't change yourself for anyone
2. your body is a temple
3. people think of you far less than you think they do
4. life is the most important thing
5. everything is constantly changing.

aaaaand here are some random pics of my teen years:

 me and a couple of other kids from the sufi camp crew. hanging out by the fire circle and waiting for the rave to start. age: 16

 16th birthday, taking pics with my friend since prechool (!) lex.

 First trip to go scope out colleges! I believe this is somewhere in new york... I was really set on going to the east coast for school at first but I changed my mind by senior year :) age: 16

 taking silly pics at the homecoming game with some of my old biffles. age: 15

 dressing up with some of my residence hall-mates at LC last year for a gangsta party. age:18

 my 2nd of three proms- for some reason I cant find any pics from my senior year :( this was probably the most fun of the three though! age:16 (totally didn't realize how many of these are of me when I'm sixteen...)

theater and show choir were basically my life for the majority of my high school career. This is my with my bestie caroline in the first show I ever got a lead in- Gilmore in Godspell! funnest show we ever did, hands down. age: 15

hanging out at brian (stewart's brother)'s old apartment. I spent probably about 90% of my days throughout senior year at that infamous complex. age:17

last year, the night before our actual halloween party which was the night before actual halloween. This was our neighbor's halloween/bday party and stew and I just threw on some fake costumes for the occasion. age: 19

okey dokes now that that's done with lets get to part two of the list!

6. There are always gonna be haters. No matter what, you can't please everyone. Someone, somewhere is going to not like you or your friends or your style or your blog or whatever. Hopefully in most cases these people will just keep it to themselves and not bother to interact with you. Sometimes, though, haters gonna hate. I can't imagine why, but for some reason there are people in the world who feel like they need to bring you down or make snide remarks or talk about you behind your back. It's a very sad fact, but people can be so cruel to one another and it can cause major issues in people's lives. The trick is to not let these people get under your skin. It's really difficult to find out that someone has been saying rude things about you or to be on the receiving end of someone's anger and hatred, but you just have to remember that in actuality it has nothing to do with you. Every once in a while I get a rude comment on this blog or something of the sort and it takes a bit of effort not to get hurt by it. However, if I just take a few seconds and imagine the person on the other end- the person who has so little to do in their lives, so few things to love or care about, such poor self esteem- that they feel the need to go out into the internet and be rude to strangers anonymously. I stop feeling hurt about what they said to or about me and start feeling truly sorry for that person because I can only imagine how poorly they must feel to have to bring others down to make themselves feel better. Anyways, the point is that these sad people are out there and they're going to try to bring you down with all their might- but you just gotta remember that haters gonna hate and they ain't worth your time.

7. Mind over matter. Everything in life is mind over matter. Meaning, everything in life revolves around how you perceive it and what kind of attitude you are bringing to the table. If you wake up and feel like crap and think "ugh, today's going to be a bad day. I can tell", and then you mope around the rest of the day, it will in fact be a bad day and unfortunate things will continue to happen to you. If you wake up and feel like crap and think "I'm going to turn this around. Today is a beautiful, wonderful day and I'm so excited to live it!" and then think positively the rest of the day, you will have a great day. Even if all the same unfortunate things happen to you, you will hardly notice them because you won't be looking for them. Mind over matter applies to all sorts of other things too. Your mind is in control of your body- not the other way around- so you can use your thoughts to help you work out harder or stay on track of a diet. Lastly, the positive energy you put out into the universe will bring positive energy right back to you- kind of like what they say in that movie The Secret. Obviously that film exaggerates things quite a bit, but the basic concept is still true. If you concentrate on feeling prosperous, happy, loved, fulfilled- those things will come easily into your life. If you concentrate on how broke or lonely or sad you are, you will perpetuate those feelings and stay in that rut much longer than you need to. Our minds are very powerful things, and we are capable of creating whatever we want out of any situation with them.

8. It's YOUR life. Not your parents'. Not your spouse's. Not your friends' and not anyone else's, so there's no reason you should let anyone make your decisions for you (unless of course you're a minor and you want to do something really idiotic and your parents are trying to keep you safe). I really hate it when I see people who give up their freedoms or their personal identities for the sake of the people around them- for instance, people who feel like they have to take over their parents' business even though they want to go their own route or girls who feel like they have to marry within their church because it's what their parents want them to do. Also, people who define themselves with the person they are with and don't take the time to figure out who they are. It's your life, and you should do what you want! If everyone else around you gets to make these decisions, why can't you? No one has the right to tell you what to do, and if they try to convince you otherwise then they are simply being cruel in my opinion. Do what you want. go for the less lucrative but more interesting career. don't stay with someone you don't want to be with anymore. sell all your assets and move to another country. read what you want, listen to what you want, eat what you want. it's no one's business but your own. Of course, you should try not to do things that will literally harm you like pick up smoking, but you should feel like you are really in control of your life and you have the freedom to do whatever you want.

9. Don't be in a hurry. I know a lot of times I find my self thinking about what's to come- to next birthday, the next major turning point in my life, the next school year... and I forget to concentrate on what I'm doing right now. Life doesn't start after high school or after college or after you're married or after you retire. It's been going on the whole time and it's not going to slow down so it's completely pointless to constantly be looking toward the future. It's good to plan for stuff, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be crossing things off your bucket list right now. Everything will go much faster than you can imagine so there's no need to be in a hurry. Savor each and every moment. Try to do something special every day. Don't waste time when you could be doing something more exciting or memorable. The future isn't guaranteed- this is the only time you have for sure, so live it.

10. Love, love, love. This is the most important thing I've learned in my teens, although I think I've been learning it my whole life. Love. Love yourself, lover your family and friends, love the strangers on the street. Even though yes, you should do what makes you happy and yes, you shouldn't change yourself for anyone and yes, it's your life so don't let anyone else influence it, you should practice all-consuming love. I always assume the best of everyone and it confuses me so much when others don't. We are all human. We all want the same things- nourishment, comfort, compassion. Reflecting love upon everyone you see and know not only makes the people around you feel wonderful and appreciated, it makes you feel amazing. Not to mention, when you are loving to other, you are far more likely to have love returned to you. Believe in the good that's inside other people. Relish in the wonderful feeling of knowing that we are all one, and we are all beautiful. Be courteous and compassionate to everyone you see- open the door for others, smile when you pass someone on the sidewalk, give people genuine compliments, make an effort to make everyone feel comfortable. Love is a powerful drug and it will make you and everyone around you feel appreciated and at peace with the world.

so, uh... remember me?

hey guys,
apologies for my very extended absence! the last couple weeks have been a whirlwind of tests, studying, art history notecards (my heart broke a little bit when I resigned to throwing all 300 of them away after the final), and packing. lots and lots of packing. and celebrating! may the fourth (star wars days), cinco de mayo, and immediately after that a 3 day b-day oriented extravaganza complete with my very first and the most amazing surprise party in history. Finally, after completing my very last final which much to my dismay ran from 8:30 pm-10:30 pm (is that even legal?) I drove up to prescott, finally arriving at 2 in the morning. It was actually an extremely enjoyable trip, during which I drank a really interesting circle k coffee concoction, ate hot buffalo and buttermilk ranch mixed snyder's pretzel pieces (best. idea. ever.) and sang- nay, belted- top 40 songs at the top of my lungs because I have no cds or an ipod connector. Seriously though, I don't know if I've ever had more fun than when I was soaring at 80 mph down the completely empty freeway at 1 am dancing and shouting out the chorus to Avril Lavigne's What The Hell. Oh, me time.

so yeah. really busy. finally, today, the day after the last day of my sophomore year of college, today, which happens to also be my 20th birthday, I have found some time to blog. It's gloriously grey and kind of snowy outside, which is not at all typical prescott weather this time of year (although inevitably there are always a couple days in may when the 80 degree weather gets interrupted by winter's last efforts) but I love it. Tonight I'm going to have a wonderful dinner out with my parents at one of my favorite restaurants here in my hometown, then probably open some presents, eat some sort of ridiculous desert, and fall asleep all happy and birthday-ed out.

Until then, I think I'm going to bake said ridiculous desert and catch up on all the blogs you guys have been missing out on ;) I can guarantee you for sure that the second half of my 10 things I learned in my teens will be up today, because I originally wanted the second half to coincide with my birthday. Hopefully I'll crank a few more posts out and schedule them up so that this week we'll be back on track.

I hope you guys are enjoying this wonderful month of may! Whether you're finishing up school or just looking forward to summer, I hope you are having a pleasant and fulfilling week. See ya later!

Love,
Em

Happy First Birthday...

  ... to me! Well, to this blog, technically. Yep, one year ago today I sat down at my little dorm room desk and decided to start a blog. Actually, I'm almost surprised it was only a year ago! Even though I didn't start regularly posting until around last October, I still fee like I've been blogging FOREVER.

In honor of this very special day, I decided to bake a cake! And since I'm so very selfless ;) and because today happens to be the day we are celebrating my Grandpa's bday, I decided to give the cake to him! I get to bake a cake, you guys get a recipe, and my grandpa gets a cake. Everyone wins!

Also, here is a list of a few of my favorite posts over the past year. Check them out if you haven't already!

The very first post on this blog- aside from the "i'm starting a blog now!" post- talks about how to stock a good vegan kitchen.

This is one of the few recipes that I made up all by myself. It is seriously SO DELICIOUS.

I think some really awesome things came from my Halloween food post. The savory cheesecake is soooo good and can be made any time of the year!

It was really fun to put together this list of family traditions. If you have a blog, you should do one too! And then send my the link so I can check it out!

I hope you guys are as excited as I am about the new feature I started just a couple weeks ago :)

These are just a few of the 150 posts from the past 365 days :) and now... an uber chocolate cake recipe!

My gpa loves chocolate, and I love chocolate, so I went with a hershey's chocolate cake recipe and chocolate buttercream. yummy!

Start by preheating the over to 350 and greasing and flour-dusting two 9 inch cake pans.

Then mix together flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder, and salt.

Now add a couple eggs, some milk, oil, and vanilla and beat it at medium speed for two minutes.

Now stir in 1 cup boiling water. Then pour the batter into the two pans and bake for 30-35 minutes or until a knife comes out clean when stuck in the center. Cool the cakes, remove then from their pans, and then wrap and freeze then until you are ready to frost.

Now for the frosting, which I failed to take pics of while making.

Start by creaming 6 tbsp of butter. Then begin adding powder sugar a cup of a time, pouring in a bit of milk when it gets too dry. Once all the powdered sugar has been added, stir in some vanilla and then remove about 2 tbsp of frosting so that you can pipe on writing later.

Then add the cocoa powder and the last of the milk, if there's any left. you should have a nice, soft, thick buttercream.

I made a mini-cake since my gpa lives alone and probably wouldn't need a whole cake. I used a tupperware to measure a 6 in circle in both cake layers. The rest of the cake can be saved for cake pops/balls :)

Now it's time to frost! Line your serving plate with parchment paper to keep it clean, and then frost away :) frosting cakes is seriously like the bane of my existence- I hate doing it and I suck at it. I also suck at removing cakes from cake pans. Both of these problems can be attributed to the fact that when it comes to baking I'm very impatient. I never let my cakes cool nearly long enough before trying to take them out of their pans, and I hardly ever fully freeze my cakes before frosting them (which would make life so much easier). I also rarely chill cookie dough. It's a problem.

Anyways, because I suck at frosting cakes I'm not going to try and tell you how to do it. It's pretty basic anyhow.

Now decorate! You can do whatever you want, but I decided to just pipe on happy bday and some decorative dots in simple white frosting.

Here's the full recipe:

Ingredients

• 2 cups sugar
• 1-3/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 3/4 cup HERSHEY'S Cocoa or HERSHEY'S SPECIAL DARK Cocoa
• 1-1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 eggs
• 1 cup milk
• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup boiling water
• ONE-BOWL BUTTERCREAM FROSTING (recipe follows)

Directions

1. 1 Heat oven to 350°F. Grease and flour two 9-inch round pans or one 13x9x2-inch baking pan.
   
2. 2 Stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt in large bowl. Add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; beat on medium speed of electric mixer 2 minutes. Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin). Pour batter into prepared pans.
   
3. 3 Bake 30 to 35 minutes for round pans, 35 to 40 minutes for rectangular pan or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; remove from pans to wire racks. Cool completely. (Cake may be left in rectangular pan, if desired.) Frost with ONE-BOWL BUTTERCREAM FROSTING. 8 to 10 servings.
   
   
   ONE-BOWL BUTTERCREAM FROSTING
   6 tablespoons butter or margarine, softened
   2-2/3 cups powdered sugar
   1/2 cup HERSHEY'S Cocoa or HERSHEY'S SPECIAL DARK Cocoa
   1/3 cup milk
   1 teaspoon vanilla extract
   
   Beat butter in medium bowl. Add powdered sugar and cocoa alternately with milk, beating to spreading consistency (additional milk may be needed). Stir in vanilla. About 2 cups frosting.

You can find the copy of the recipe here, as well as high altitude conversions.

Happy birthday to Girl of a Thousand Faces! And to my wonderful grandpa! Have a great saturday :)

<3
Em