Some Thoughts on Self-Awareness

Something strange happened to me on Thursday.

I did something which I have always believed I am bad at, only this time I was good at it.

It was a class presentation, which I have always dreaded and have in fact dropped certain classes for upon learning that they would be required. My confidence has really been boosted over the past 10 months so they no longer give me a sickening pit in my stomach; however, I'd still prefer to sit and listen quietly than stand up and speak.

The first strange thing was that out of the three members of my group (we gave a group presentation, each of us talking about a different aspect of our subject), I seemed to be the least nervous. I am slightly older (1-3 years) and have a bit more college experience than most of the students in my classes now since I am a 3rd semester senior, so it may have been that my own anxieties about presenting have become muted while my classmates' are still fresh. However, having never been the "confident one", it felt totally alien to be reassuring the other group members and attempting to calm their frazzled nerves.

What was really strange, though, was that on the elevator after the class was over one of my other classmates (whom I have never interacted with before) turned to me and said, "Your presentation was really good. You made eye contact and were so confident. I was like, 'I want to be like that'". Not only was I incredibly flattered, but I was also quite taken aback- me, confident? and not just passable at presenting but good enough for someone to actually admire me? This did not fit with my image of myself or my skills at all, and as I walked to my car I thought, "maybe the person I've always believed myself to be is not who I actually am".

I've found that throughout our lives we seem to accumulate a list of traits and qualities that we assign to ourselves. Some are told to us often enough that we internalize them, others we discover or diagnose on our own. Especially now that social media plays such a large role in our lives, we are encouraged to define ourselves in our profiles, about me's, etc by a list of adjectives rather than letting our personalities come out organically through our interactions.

One of the biggest ones for me has been that I'm shy or introverted. People have told me this so many times over my entire life that it is just a facet of my identity now. I am pretty introverted, I like my alone time, and I was definitely a shy kid- but having this specific idea of myself cemented in my brain totally blinded me to the ways in which I am not introverted. It even caused me to believe that I was naturally predisposed to be bad at certain things- things like presenting in front of a class. The fact is, though, that many of the things I have self-diagnosed myself as bad at I am actually decent and even good at. It just took an unbiased stranger to bring it to my attention.

Often people say that you should not be concerned with the opinions of others, just concentrate on how you view yourself. I have found, however, that the way I view myself is frequently inaccurate. I have a list of things that I believe myself to be, and when those things change (or are simply not true) it can be difficult to see the discrepancies. I think sometimes other people can see us far more accurately than we see ourselves.

I'm so glad that girl complimented me in the elevator, because it brought me a bit closer to understanding who I am and what I'm actually capable of. The past two years have been a whirlwind from which I'm still in the process of re-emerging. I'm recreating and redefining myself, but it's easy to get lost and be unable to see or notice the changes. That interaction was a reminder to try to see myself objectively- to let my personality and abilities speak for themselves, rather than stuffing them under preconceived ideas of what they are.

<3 Em

What's been happening and what's coming up next:

It's that time of the semester! Final papers/projects/tests that were so safely in the distant future for the first few months of the year suddenly have very real, very quickly approaching due dates. It always seems to happen so suddenly. It's a whirlwind of work and stress and freaking out feeling like I'll never get it all done and then, abruptly, it's all over and I have the whole summer ahead of me. I'm not quite at that part yet but I am very close.

So yeah, my presence here on this blog has been limited because of that and probably will continue to be for at least the next week as I finish things up. I had a 5 page paper due this past Monday, another one yesterday, an assignment due this evening, and a couple little short papers to do this weekend... then a quick presentation next wednesday, and then 2 finals and one more 5 page paper between May 6th-8th. Shouldn't be too horrible, but enough keep me busy and remind me that it's not summer, not yet.

There's a lot to look forward to when the semester finally is over, though! My 22nd birthday is on May 10th, and although I'll actually be working and doing pretty much nothing interesting on that day, Colton and I are going to leave the next day for a vacation in honor of my birthday. There's nothing in particular that I really want, so a trip instead of presents is my kind of birthday celebration. We'll be spending some time in Prescott for Mother's Day and my dad's birthday, which is the day after mine, and then heading to LA to go to Disneyland and California Adventure! After that we are spending a couple days in San Diego where we'll hit up the beach, maybe go to a baseball game, and just relax. Should be a lot of fun :) It will be the best way to end the school year and kick off the summer!

Speaking of summer, I'm planning on doing a little weekly feature here on my blog for about 15 weeks through my summer vacation. It's going to be called "homemade summer"- every week I'm going to try to cook and blog about something that one would typically just buy already made at the store. A blog I read called Macheesmo does something like this that he calls the homemade trials, where he tries to deduce whether it's better to buy something premade versus making it yourself at home based on cost, time, taste, and nutrition. I'm not going to be trying to figure out if/convince you that making something at home is better, I'm just going to be doing it to a. see if I can, b. have fun, and c. appreciate the differences!

Here are a few things I'm thinking of trying to make: Ricotta, mozzarella, marshmallows, pickles, corned beef, butter, bagels, yogurt, chocolate, nutella, mustard, and many other things. If you have any ideas for things that are possible to make at home but that most people just buy at the store, let me know!

Alright, I'm off to work on a couple assignments before I go to work tonight. Have a nice weekend!

Good things are happening!

Clemenoodles cuddles ALWAYS boost my mood!

After a week or two of feeling pretty exhausted, stressed, unmotivated, and generally 'meh', some really great stuff happened these past few days which has really boosted my mood.

First, this:

"Thank you for submitting your petition to the General Petitions Committee.  Your petition has been read by the doctor at Campus Health who has seen all of the materials, has carefully weighed your specific circumstances, and has voted on your petition.
We are happy to inform you that your petition, requesting a complete retroactive withdrawal from Spring semester, 2012, has been approved."
 
Then I got a 98 % on a Roman literature test I was about 99% sure I got a C or B- on. Don't know how I pulled that one off but I'll take it.

Then I stopped by the fine arts graduation services offices and got my degree check to GRADUATE IN DECEMBER! Still a couple things I have to do for that but no problems popped up with the initial check so I should be good to go. Something felt so freaking satisfying about filling out a form with all my degree information and letting them know how to spell my full name to go on my diploma. gahh :)

And finally, I've lost 30 lbs in exactly 12 weeks and I'm feeling great about it! 10 more will put me about at what I was in high school, but I didn't really work out in high school so hopefully I will be much more toned at that weight now.

This quote has always seemed kind of dumb to me since everyone loses weight at different paces and there's no way of knowing what effect a certain amount of time and effort will have on your body...

 ...BUT, in the past week a couple people have asked me if I've lost weight or told me I look skinny which is really awesome to hear. I think anyone who has tried to lose weight knows how meaningful it is to have the hard work manifest itself on your body and to have other people take notice. Very rewarding.

So things are going really well right now, which is great because I was feeling really overworked and a bit down over the past couple weeks. I'm still a bit exhausted and stressed from work and school but knowing summer is just around the corner is a bit of a relief- and knowing that by the end of 2013 I'll have a degree and an even stronger, healthier body is enough to motivate me through the rest of the year!

Sorry for this rather braggy-bordering-on-gloaty blog post. I know sometimes it's looked down upon (especially in the land of the internet) to get really excited about yourself. But oh well, blogging and social media is narcissistic by nature :) and (because apparently I'm really feeling the inspirational quotes plastered all over the internet today):

 <3  

20 in my 20th: #12 Summerhaven!

12. Go to Summerhaven at the top of Mt. Lemon, ride the ski-lift.
 
I did this just over a year ago! Spring is in full swing in Tucson around this time of year and it's wonderful. Down here on the desert floor its warm and breezy during the day (usually anywhere from 70-90 degrees) and slightly cool and mild at night, just enough for you to want a light cardigan. It also smells like honeysuckle all the time which is wonderful. That's going to go away soon I'm sure so I'm loving it while it lasts!

Tuscon is surrounded by big beautiful mountains, many of which are full of hiking trails, swimming holes, and campsites. Mt. Lemmon is the most popular mountain as it's the tallest point in the Santa Catalina mountains and has a tiny little town (Summerhaven) and the Mount Lemmon Ski Valley at the top. It happens to be the southernmost ski location in all of the continental United States, so that's pretty cool.Way up at the top of Mt Lemmon it's still pretty brisk and chilly, and there's even still snow on the ground. It warms up during summer but remains pretty mild- a stark contrast from the sweltering dessert heat. Hence the name 'Summerhaven'.

I have nice memories of visiting the Snow Bowl in Flagstaff with my Dad (where he and I went skiing last month) during fall and riding the ski lift. There was no snow at that time, but it was fun just to be up in the air and look at all the colorful changing leaves. Afterwards we got cups of gumbo soup in the ski restaurant. This memory, along with my curiosity and desire to get a mini vacation from the warm weather inspired me to visit Summerhaven and ride the ski lift up there. It's a decent drive up the mountain (about 45 mins-hr) so Colton and I made a day trip out of it last spring.

It was really fun! Except that between the time that I was 9 or 10, riding the ski lift, and when I was 20 life things happened and apparently I developed a fear of heights. That I didn't really realize I had until I was up in the air. So that was fun. I tried to distract myself by taking photos and trying not to imagine crashing to the frozen-solid snow and rocks 30 feet below me.

All these little shops (aside from the informational one where you buy lift tickets) were closed when we went. I bet in winter when there's lots of fresh snow they're really fun to check out!

pretty view from the top

this is windy point, a lookout spot about half way up the mountain that people like to check out and climb around. Great views of the desert below from here!

I didn't take any pics of Summerhaven sadly, but there wasn't much to it aside from some reaaaally nice cabins and a general store. Pretty cute though! Looked a lot like the neighborhood you drive through right before you get to Frog Falls, Prescott people.

Even though the ski lift ride induced more anxiety than I was expecting, it was a fun day trip and a nice chance to get out of the desert for a bit. Maybe next winter I'll try out some actual skiing, now that I kind of know how (22 in 22? maybe!)

<3

The Week in Photos/Instagram

I wish I was better at using Instagram. I've had it for a year and I've only posted 30 photos. I have hundreds of pictures on my camera, I just very rarely deem them worthy of the minute it takes to apply a filter, upload them, and share them with the world. I'm trying hard not to be one of those people whose Instagram is 90% pictures of their pet so there's that too. Maybe doing posts like this will help me get better at using it because it looks kind of silly to have normal camera photos next to instagram stylized photos.. or maybe I should just start carrying around my DSLR with me everywhere again :)

I'm also temporarily without Adobe Photoshop which I use to edit my photos so crappy camera pic quality in all its glory it is. Sorry!

I'm sure many of you have seen this on pinterest- lemon slices, salmon, butter, salt, pepper, wrapped in foil and baked. We had this for dinner last week and I added some fresh dill which made it even more amazing! Great simple meal.

I served the salmon with roasted asparagus and smashed rosemary red potatoes.

 Bored working the street fair... I tried to get a pic of all the closed up booths and empty street but it was too dark. Just the pizza heat lamps to light up the night!

I really wish I'd brought my DSLR to Roland and Annalise's wedding. There were so many gorgeous details! Burlap favor bags, the fantastic dinner, flowers everywhere, the gardens at sunset... and of course all the fun happening everywhere. This an a blurry, dark photo of the half empty dance floor are the only pictures I took the whole night. Oh well.

Me and Clemenoodles hanging out on thursday night watching Doctor Who. Such a great show! And I love how Clem cuddles up to me constantly. Such a mama's girl.

Except when she's in one of her crazy playful moods. Sometimes when she gets out of control I pick her up and put her on her back in my lap and tickle her belly. That's her favorite!

I was snapping the picture below and took one of me and Colton first. We went to Mother Hubbards for breakfast this morning and we work this afternoon at 4- Same old Sunday routine!

Here's the deal with this dress. I bought it at Goodwill about a year ago, even though it's a Small and I knew at the time it wouldn't fit me. I didn't even try it on. It was cute and 10 dollars and I was confident that eventually I would be able to wear it. Instead of hanging it up in my closet I hung it on the wall in my bedroom, as a bit of inspiration. A goal I was working towards. I didn't start really trying to lose weight until this past January, but I'm so proud with the progress I've made in the last 10 weeks! I decided to try this dress on last weekend for the wedding and it fit!! I put it on again today and it actually is a little loose around the waist. I'm so happy to be able to have this cute little number off the wall and finally into my clothing rotation!!

Hope you are having a nice holiday weekend! 

<3

Registered.

It's been a fairly busy week!

The retroactive medical withdrawal that I mentioned I had to work on in my hair mask post has finally been completed. It involved me working for five hours on Friday typing a statement, emailing professors and campus health, and filling out paperwork.. and then spending the last three mornings visiting each professors office, going to the health center, filling out MORE paperwork, and putting together a big 'ol stack of stuff... which I turned in to administration this morning. WOO! It's something that has been stressing me out and sitting at the back of my mind for a year and it feels good to have it totally DONE.

On top of that, the spring 4th ave street fair was this past weekend. Street fair is kinda fun because we close the inside of the restaurant off to customers and just serve slices in the front. I work counter so I get to be the one manning the register, serving customers, and dealing with lots and lots of hungry people. It's nice to hang out outside for a whole spring evening, and my work is sufficiently reduced since I don't have to deal with pickups or keeping the dining room clean... but it can get pretty crazy with all those sweaty tourists demanding pizza.

So that was Friday night and Sunday night. Sunday we closed around 7 for our biannual Brooklyn party that happens every street fair. Brooklyn parties are effing insane. I've gone and had fun in the past but I had no desire to drink my face off and watch my coworkers get crazy sloppy this year so I went home after I was done closing and ate dinner and watched battlestar galactica instead.

On Saturday, our friends Roland and Annalise got married at the lovely Tucson Botanical Gardens. I know Annalise from Mama Eddas (She worked there after I had left but I saw her all the time since I was always in there with Linn, Kris, and Nick) and Roland has been one of Colton's friends since high school. It was soooo gorgeous at the garden at dusk and their ceremony was simple, short, and sweet. The reception was immediately after and it was nice because you could explore the gardens while waiting for everything to be set up for dinner. It was a very, very fun night and I am very happy they invited me :)

MOST exciting thing that happened this week though, is that I got totally registered for my LAST classes as an undergraduate EVER.

The way the registration process works, it takes 2-3 weeks to register for each upcoming semester. Once the class catalog is online, you have to plan your schedule. Then you have to fill out a form (at least for my department) with the classes in your major and that has to be turned in by a certain date depending on your standing. Then about a week later you have your "enrollment appointment" when you can register for any other classes that don't require department consent. Hopefully by that point you know whether or not your department was able to register you for the classes you wanted and you can submit new forms if necessary.

This semester, everything went off without a hitch! It was the first time I haven't neglected filling out my form until too late (which results in having to turn it in with students of lower class standing/being lower on the registration totem pole) so that might be why. My classes next semester sound REALLY awesome too.

They are:

An upper division classics class on Greek and Roman influences on 1930s art
Film Styles and Genres, a 400 level film and television class which changes emphasis each semester. Last fall I took it when it was Westerns, next fall it is Crime Drama. 
Screen Artists, another 400 level FTV course with rotating emphasis. This spring I'm taking it on Stars of History and Today, next fall it will be on the Coen Brothers. Goodie!
My FTV Senior Seminar, which will be on Cult Cinema.

I've already had all the professors teaching these courses and they're all awesome so I'm excited.

I'm even more excited for the end of December this year, when I will be walking across the stage in a cap and gown and receiving a diploma! Finishing college. What an accomplishment that will be. I imagine it will feel something like this:

Aaah. That will be nice.

For now though, it's 5 1/2 more weeks of this semester, a crazybusy summer, and then one more round of syllabi, essays, and school-centric life. At least the end is in sight!

<3

DIY Nourishing Hair Mask

No Thursday update this week because I pretty much told you all the highlights of my week as they happened... 'they' being St Paddy's day and working my face off, both at Brooklyn and at school. I had big stuff every day of school this week! a five page paper here, a final paper proposal there, and a big fat midterm to finish it off yesterday. It was overwhelming to have all that facing me immediately after spring break, but now the next few weeks of school should be relatively calm and even-paced.

Today I am working on something that I literally have been avoiding and procrastinating for just about a year- my retroactive medical withdrawal from the spring 2012 semester. Big fat stressed-out sigh. I stopped attending school when it all became "too much", realizing that despite my efforts I had tried to resume my normal life too soon. Due to the conditions of my withdrawal I can blame it on medical reasons but I have to write a whole statement explaining my situation, as well as go around to the 4 professors whose classes I stopped attending and ask them to fill out a form supporting my withdrawal. Like I mentioned in yesterday's post, it is very difficult for me to take my thoughts back to those troubling times, let alone write at length about them and present them to other people to be judged for their worthiness or whatever. Blah. So I didn't do it for months and months. But I only have until the end of this semester so today I'm just going to do it.

On top of that, I'm going in to work today at 4 and it's the spring 4th ave street fair this weekend... which means lots of hungry people that have been walking around in the sun all day demanding slices. I like working the counter but street fair is always pretty high intensity.. so we'll see how that goes.

To take the edge off a bit on my busy and stressful day, I'm going to do at least one of my weekly beauty categories... probably face today. A nice steam and facial should ease the tension, I hope. Yesterday I did my hair and I whipped up this simple little hair mask that I wanted to share with you guys! It's full of protein in the form of Greek yogurt and egg yolk so it is very nourishing and strengthening for your locks. The olive oil is moisturizing, softening, and adds to shine, while the honey is conditioning and also contributes shine and luster to dry, limp hair.

Greek yogurt and honey is one of the most delicious things ever and making and using this mask reminded me of drizzling gobs of golden honey onto cold, super-thick, creamy bowls of yogurt in Greece a couple summers ago. It certainly smelled the same! The honey and yogurt I had wasn't as nice as that stuff but it still made my hair look and feel great and was a nice mid-week boost.

You will need:
Olive oil
Yogurt
Honey
1 egg

Start by separating the egg yolk from the white. The yolk is high in fat and protein which makes it great for your hair while the egg white is super low in calories and great for your waist ;) You can discard the white or use it to make a healthy omelet, meringues, or a number of other yummy goodies.

Put the yolk in a small bowl and use a fork to break the membrane and mix it up real quick. Did you know an egg yolk is one cell? I learned that in like 7th grade science and found it fascinating.

Drizzle in about 1 tbsp olive oil. Since I was doing my full hair treatment yesterday, I had some leftover olive oil from my hot oil scalp rub so I just used that.

Squeeze in some honey next, about 2 tbsp. If you have raw honey, use that! I just had this Kroger stuff on hand. Whisk the oil and honey thoroughly into the egg yolk.

Finally, a healthy dollop of Greek yogurt, about 1/4-1/2 cup. Mix it up real good and you have your mask!

To use, moisten hair with a spray bottle full of HOT water. use your hands, a comb, or a combination of the two to apply the mask to all of your hair but particularly to the length and ends. I like to get mask all over my hands and rub/rake it through my hair, then use a wide tooth comb to distribute it evenly. Twist your hair into a bun on the top of your head, wrap your whole scalp/hair in plastic wrap (you aren't going anywhere, right?) and then wrap it all up in a hot towel. leave on for 10-30 minutes, whatever you have time for, and then rinse it out well and wash normally in the shower. Tada! Revitalized, nourished, shiny hair :)

It's the weekend! YAY!

Happy Birthday, Linn

Today would have been Linn's 27th birthday. I have avoided talking very much about Linn's death or my long period of grief and depression that followed on this blog because a. it's very personal and need not be broadcast to the world wide web, b. it is difficult for me even now- after almost a year and a half of time and a year of therapy later- to return my thoughts to that troubling place, and c. this blog has always been what I would like to think of as an expression of the most positive and beneficial aspects of myself; the things I am proud of, want to share, and that make me feel happy and fulfilled.


So I skipped over the whole thing, pretty much, and when I returned to blogging (briefly and prematurely) I tried to just force myself into the mindset and voice I had before Linn's death. My life was basically still in shambles at that point so that didn't work, and when I finally returned to this blog in a healthy state last month I only wanted to move forward, not look back on the trauma of the past year and a half.

Linn was and is, however, a permanent and extremely important influence on my life. The time that I knew him changed me. The time that we dated changed me. His death obviously changed me, and the grief, destruction, and ultimate healing that followed has changed me. There is rarely if ever a single day that I do not think of him. I am often reminded by the world around me of him, our conversations, our memories, our love story, and I wonder and reflect upon what could have been- especially on days like today. At 27, who would Linn have been? Would we still be together? Would he be in San Diego by now, running a pizza shop with Clint like he had planned and was so excited about? Would I be finishing school this spring instead of next December with plans of joining him after graduation? The questions that can never be answered have not disappeared from my mind, but they no longer agonize and torment me. Now they are a source of simple wonderment, cherished quiet moments of reflection, and reassuring reminders of Linn's presence in my heart.

I have written at length about Linn in my personal journals- everything from when I first met him as he swept the dining room of Mama Eddas where I was filling out an application to years later, after his death, when I wrote him countless letters and stream of consciousness ramblings that I could only hope would somehow be received. Just yesterday I stumbled upon a forgotten journal entry that I wrote after we had been dating for several months and the love-struck, giddy way in which I gushed about him filled my heart with joy and nostalgia. Here's a passage:

"I just got back from my weekend of hometown friends and Linn. It was so wonderful and amazing, I had such a great time and it was so, so good to be with my boy for a while. Every time i think about him or look at him i smile, it makes me giddy. I can't believe how much I've fallen for him. I love him so much. leaving today was heartbreaking, even though I know I'll see him again soon... I wish there was an easy way for us to just be together but there just isn't right now. Someday, I hope. So much. He is the sweetest, kindest, most gentlemanly guy I have ever dated and he's also incredibly attractive and funny. I want to be his."

It makes me happy to remember how wonderful and full of love and happiness he made my life when we were together. There have been many times when Linn's real presence in my life- the years of friendship, the secret crush, the brief romance- have been clouded over by the weight of the despair and tragedy that followed. It is unfair to Linn's memory and to myself to allow it to be that way and I am overjoyed to have the words that I wrote in times of blissful adoration to pull me back to the real memories, the memories that matter.

Today, like every day, I will think about Linn, smile at the thought of his face and his laugh, and ponder what we might have done if he'd been here. I feel blessed to even have these thoughts, and I know that I have had and will have a better of life because he was and is a part of it.

Happy Birthday, Linn. The amount of compassion in your heart and the immense amount of love, kindness, and sincerity you showed is obvious through the number of people that to this day express their gratitude to have known you. Someday we will all see your smile again <3 br="">
And finally, this is the poem I wrote a few days after Linn's death which I read at his funeral.

When I remember you,
I'd like it to feel
The way it did that night-
Shy eyes glinting starlight,
A shiver that has nothing to do
With the cool summer night.
When I remember you,
I'd like to go back to those days-
The long lazy sunlit haze,
Hours and hours of nothing to do
And everything to say
And nothing but happiness
In your sweet face.
When I remember you,
I'd like to think of the words-
Often said, always heard,
A promise not broken,
but simply deferred:
"One day we'll be together.
One day,
We'll fly like the birds."

<3>

Thursday Update: Spring Break

It has been SO NICE to have a little break from school the past few days. I've still been working a lot, but having nothing I have to do during the day is so relaxing. The weather dipped over the weekend but now it's wonderful and sunny and 85-90 degrees out! Awesome spring break weather.

Here's the week in photos:

continuing with using my new crockpot/searching for yummy, low cal recipes... this is a thai peanut coconut curry that works with chicken or veggies (or both in this case!) It was a success so maybe I'll blog about it later.

 

I gave Clementine a bath finally... it had been longer than I'd like to admit! After she was all clean and out of the tub (and running around going CRAZY like just-bathed dogs do) we noticed that her now soft, smooth hair had separated into a perfect part running down the length of her back. It was hard to get a good picture because she is so rambunctious but it looked absolutely ridiculous/hilarious. 

I attempted to make low-ish calories cookies! I kind of made up a recipe, reducing the flour/sugar/chocolate chips/eggs in the toll house recipe and then using greek yogurt in place of some of the butter...They turned out pretty good. Taste wise they're great but I wish the texture was a little more fudgey/dense and less cakey/airy. I guess I'll just have to do some more experimenting.

I posted this on instagram the other day. It has been so nice out (and our house can seem so small and dark) that lately we've been leaving the front door open while we do things around the house during the day. We have a very small fenced in yard around our house so it allows clem to be able to go outside and run around/frolic in the grass/mess with the dogs on the other side of the fence. A couple days ago I was doing my ab workout while Clem was outside and she decided she was done playing and ran in and hopped right onto my chest. She's such a little mama's girl. 

And this is a picture I took of myself yesterday wearing a skirt I bought at Ross last week... Say what you will, I think the high-low hem trend is super cute. I've been buying more clothes in the past few weeks that I have in the past few years combined... Finally having a job and working a decent amount of hours combined with not eating out and not spending any money on alcohol has been very good for my bank account. 

I also took this picture because as of yesterday I've lost 20.2 pounds and 20.5 total inches (added up from all over my body) since I started trying to lose weight on January 17th! I am very very very happy about this. It's kind of a halfway mark to where I want to be. also, 20 lbs is a huge hurdle. I think I should do/buy something extra special for myself as a reward but I'm not sure what that will be yet... But I'm looking forward to continuing to workout, tone my muscles, eat well, and reduce my body fat over the next few months.

In other news, this week:

My friends Nick and Amanda came to Tucson to visit/search for apartments! I was working most of the time they were here but I got to spend a couple hours with them and I am SOOO excited for them to move down here! They are definitely some of my best friends ever, I've known them since I worked at mama eddas in 2010. Nick actually hired me and was my boss haha.

I still have one serving left of the veggie soup I made and I think I'm going to make more this weekend. It is soooo good. I've been eating it with a salad literally every day for lunch, even though I have a ton of other food in the fridge.

I've been trying to figure out who I'm going to do my star study on for my screen artists class. I want to pick someone obscure enough to be interesting but no so obscure that they aren't really a star... I actually really wanted to talk about James Deen, who is a male porn star turned mainstream actor that recently starred in a Bret Easton Ellis film with Lindsay Lohan. I find him interesting because he has been called "the boy next door" of porn by mainstream journals/publications... in that he "looks like someone you would want to talk to at a coffee shop". He has a HUGE female fanbase though, dubbed "deenagers" (many of his fans are younger women) which is pretty much unheard of... He's kind of an anomaly and I think it would be so interesting to talk about his "star image". I'm worried it might be too taboo of a choice though. Ugh. I dont know. Suggestions on interesting stars?

Coming up:

This week I decide on/register for classes for my last semester of college!! Woohoo!!!

Back to school with a couple midterms and papers just around the corner. blegh. 

Not much else... this is going to be a pretty ho-hum week. No big plans, just school, work, working out, and sewing and blogging if I get the time :)

Hope you all have had/are having a wonderful week! Enjoy the weekend!

Love,
Em

3 Year Blogiversary/Me at 18!

Today marks the three year anniversary of the day I sat at my little dorm room desk and decided to start a blog! Crazy. My writing has been somewhat sporadic and I don't have a ton of followers, but I am SO glad I decided to make an effort to document my life. There are so many photos and memories that I would have (and did, until browsing the archives) never taken or completely forgotten about! It is so wonderful to have the posts to look back on now and years down the road to see who I was and read what I wrote (as cringe-worthy as it might be) as I transitioned out of adolescence and into adulthood.

I was thinking the other day about how much I have changed over the years. It's almost like I can look at each year from about 14 years old to now (21) and pinpoint exactly who I was -taste in music, style, beliefs- and each year is almost completely different. I guess that's what growing up is all about. It makes me kind of nostalgic... like thinking of a group of old friends I haven't seen in a long, long time. Do you ever think about who you were at 15? or 19? I know that at both those ages I was pretty sure I had shit figured out and I did not see my tastes or aspirations ever changing. And yet I did not move to NYC and become a Broadway star.

BUT, all that stuff still makes up who I am today... all those different girls with different things they think are important. I've been thinking about maybe doing some throwback posts... looking back on me at 14, 15, 16, etc just for the fun and ridiculousness of it. Kind of like VH1s I love the 70s/80s/90s but just about me because I'm a blogger and thus inherently narcissistic. Hah.

So, in honor of this blog's third birthday, here's a little bit of who I was when this all began... 

Me at 18

When I was 18, I...
- graduated high school

Me and my fellow show choir seniors on the last day of high school!

It was raining! That's why my hair is so weird.

- moved out of my parents' house/AZ and into a little dorm room at Lewis and Clark in Portland, OR

Administration building at my gorgeous first college

 - Dated and then stopped dating and then dated and then stopped dating and then dated Stewart

- Got my first pet fish, a purply-red-aqua Beta named Mikal

- Worked at my first "real" job- Subway!

- Performed for the first and last time in a dance show - LC's Dance Extravanganza

- Spent my fall break riding in a UHaul with a bunch of other college kids to Bend, OR where we stayed in someone's aunt's vacation house.

 

 

- Ate mostly vegan, sometimes just vegetarian.

- Decided I missed AZ and my friends and my boyfriend too much and moved back at the end of the school year, just a couple weeks before my 19th birthday.

My favorite bands/artists were: Modest Mouse, Regina Spektor, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Sublime, Tool

My favorite movie was: Wristcutters: A Love Story

I read: All the Harry Potters again, the first two books of His Dark Materials, Siddhartha, Kneller's Happy Campers

My best friend(s) was(were): Stewart, Sharney, Megan

The most important things to me were: Hanging out with my friends, living a vegan lifestyle, dating Stewart because I liked him soooo muuuuchhhh, coming home to arizona so I could continue hanging out with my friends and dating Stewart and cooking vegan food.

18 was a pretty weird year for me. When I look back on it I think I really had no idea who I was and was just trying to figure it out. That's probably pretty common for the first year of college. I have lots of great memories of exploring Portland, flying home to visit my best friends in Prescott, experiencing the whole dorm-meal plan-college in a new place thing, and leaving high school behind. The summer before college was one of the best ever, and luckily I filmed a good deal of it so I have a nice little video reminder of that time. I won't put any of it here, because we were being dumb 18 year olds.. but it's pretty cool to have.

I also still used Myspace when I was 18 and got a lot of these pictures from there. So old school.

Here's to another year of blogging!

Thursday Update: March is Here!

This will be a short update since I didn't blog much at all this week due to being out of town :)

This week:

This blog reached (and surpassed!) 25,000 views. That is pretty amazing! I can't believe people were still somehow finding and reading my blog while I was away... but I'm glad they were and still are! Hopefully that number will just continue to go up up up :)

I learned to ski! It was so fun, but exhausting! My legs are STILL sore.

I got my first concept exam for my Screen Artists class back- 90%! 10% deducted for not having a works cited page, but many of my classmates pointed out that it was not stated in the instructions so we can turn one in after spring break.

I kind of explored downtown Flagstaff for the first time, aside from an impromptu rainy day trip Stewie and I took there back in 2009. Apparently holiday lights all over downtown in march are a-ok there.I really enjoyed it though! We did the art walk (very similar to all other art walks) and ate at a cool local brewery.

I'm trying one of the many things on pinterest that may or may not be a complete waste of time (I have a massive love hate relationship with pinterest that recently has been mostly hate). I've been swishing with 50/50 mixture of mouthwash and hydrogen peroxide to see if it helps whiten my teeth. Hydrogen peroxide is supposedly the main ingredient in whitening strips? I read it on the internet so it must be true.

Photos:

Taking a break from skiing for lunch... Green Chili Chicken Soup and a Magic Hat Number 9 pale ale. yeah...I didn't take any pictures of the actual skiing. Just food.

While driving to Tucson from Prescott I passed this truck/bus/contraption and had to snap a picture... I'm not sure what exactly they do, but they're rather confident about it.

Coming up:

Spring break starts today! Hopefully that means some much needed time to focus on sewing/etsy stuff and also plenty of time to cook.

It's getting warmer and warmer in Tucson... it's supposed to dip a little this weekend but maybe sometime later this week we can head out to Tanque Verde Falls, Sabino Canyon, or one of the other Tucson swimming spots. Like the University Heights pool.

With any luck this week I'll hit my first weightloss goal... a 20 lb loss! What an incredible and rewarding feeling that would be.

Happy Weekend!

Love,
Em

Healthy and Delicious Vegetable Soup

So, this past weekend I went up to Prescott and then Flagstaff to spend some time with my parents and to go skiing with my Dad. I hadn't gone skiing since I was very little so it was definitely interesting... I got up at 6 am (which is SO early for me... closer to my usual bedtime than the time I usually wake up!) and we got to the Flagstaff Snowbowl around 8. I was pretty unsure of my abilities and was basically downright terrified for the first bit. I could only go across the slope in an ever-so-slight decline (as opposed to going vertically down the slope) at a snail pace... and I was on the bunny hill (which toddlers were learning on!). BUT, we took a two hour lesson from 10-12 and it helped so much! I fell a few times, but after a couple tries I was able to stop myself, turn, speed up and slow down, and actually go down the slope in the direction intended. After the lesson, I was able to go down the entirety of the hill easily and even rode the ski lift to one of the higher starting points and managed to ski from there as well!

Unfortunately during the first half of the day I stupidly forgot to put on sunscreen... even though it was just a few morning hours, my face got SCORCHED! Having never really skied before I didn't know snow sunburn was such a serious thing. Basically you get double sunburn from the sun reflecting off the bright white snow. Anyways, by the next day my face was bright pink (aside from a few attractive pale sections from my hat... ugh) and blistered! The blisters turned to scabs and now for the past couple days my face has been dry, tight, flaky, and still bright red. I can't WAIT for it to heal and for my face to go back to normal. Working the counter at Brooklyn on Sunday and Monday was NOT fun.

That was really the only low of my weekend... the rest of the (short) time was spent with my aunt and uncle in Flagstaff and my parents in Prescott. I don't have the opportunity to come home all that often, but it's nice when I do because it's kind of like being a teenager again. I can sleep in my old (pink) room with all my old things, sit on an actual couch (not a futon!) and watch an actual tv (not a laptop!), and eat from a fridge full of food I didn't have to pay for (or cook!). The last thing is particularly nice because my parents eat very healthfully... and they have the money and skillz to do it right and make it super delicious!  I try to be very health conscious down here in Tucson, but it's expensive.. and between cooking from scratch every day (on top of school, work, and everything else), researching recipes, and meticulously calculating, counting, and recording calories... it is work. When I can open a fridge and have a ton of fresh, healthy stuff already there ready to eat, it makes me happy.

And that's where this vegetable soup comes in. My mom made some last week from a recipe loosely based on the 7 day diet 'wonder soup' (oh gee, another crash diet that has you eat practically no calories in order to lose 10 pounds in a week- miraculous!). This version bulks up the veggies, adds spices, vegetable broth, and tomatoes (and V8, if you like) for flavoring, and comes with no hyperbolic weight loss claims! At 60 calories a cup though, it doesn't really need to.

I ate this with a simple soup for lunch 2 of the 3 days I was out of town... it probably would have been 3 for 3 but I spent one of the days on the slopes! It is SO yummy and filling. I liked it so much that today, 3 days after being back in Tucson, I whipped up a batch for dinner tonight and lunch for the next few days. It was so easy too. If you're looking for a simple, low calorie, nutritious meal you can eat throughout the week, definitely try this one out! It's the perfect thing alongside a salad or sandwich.

I was going to take pictures while I was making this to go with the recipe... I took a picture of the veggies sauteing... and then put my camera down and forgot about it. Oops. I do have a picture of the finished product before I had it at my parents' house.

Simple Vegetable Soup 
Ingredients
1 tbsp olive oil
1/2 large yellow onion, diced
2 large carrots, diced
2 large celery stalks, diced
1 large green bell pepper, diced
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp basil
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp  fresh ground black pepper
1/4 tsp red pepper flakes (omit if you do not like heat)
1 box (4 cups) vegetable broth (I used Safeway O Organics brand)
1 14.5 oz can diced italian stewed tomatoes (regular Safeway brand)
1/2 head cabbage, roughly chopped
2 cups baby spinach
4 cups water (or v8, if desired)

1. Heat olive oil in large pot.
2. Add onion, carrots, celery, and bell pepper. Sautee 5 minutes, or until slightly softened.
3. Add salt, pepper, spices, and garlic. Continue to cook until veggies begin to brown.
4. Add vegetable broth and tomatoes. Bring to a boil.
5. Add cabbage. Cook for 2-3 minutes, or until beginning to soften.
6. Add spinach. Stir to incorporate until spinach has fully wilted.
7. Add water and/or v8 and boil to reach desired broth:veggie ratio. Taste and adjust  seasonings.

That's it!

This recipe (made with water) makes about 9.5 cups with a 1 cup serving equaling about 60 calories.
The total calories for the recipe is only 557! Crazy, right? It will be about 200 more if you use 4 cups of v8 as opposed to water... so then it would be about 80 calories a cup. Still fantastic.

The salad is a mix of spinach, arugula, and kale with cucumber, carrot, cherry tomatoes, onion, celery, and a squeeze of fresh lemon juice for dressing.